One of the first responsibilities for expecting parents is naming the baby. It’s easy to see why this is cause for a ton of contention: the poor bugger’s going to be strapped to it for the rest of their life. Unless, of course, they change it themselves–like a dude I knew in high school who magically transformed from “Chris” to “Qris”, or the chap I worked with who went from “Steven” to “Seven” (yes, the number).

Finding the right name’s like strolling through a minefield. There are family names your mom wants you to use. Cute nicknames that are funny–for an hour. We’ve all spent some quality time with baby-naming websites or the classic paperback book “55,000+ Baby Names” by Bruce Lansky (love that the author is named “Bruce”) with over 700 pages of not-so-great ideas. To illustrate, just now I just opened a page at random and found “Turquoise.” Most kids can spell their name by, what, five years of age? That poor girl Turquoise may NEVER get it right.

Sure I want to pick a good name. But at 4.5 months from d-day, it doesn’t seem like the highest priority. Does it even need to be named at birth? Is it required for a birth certificate? What if the name doesn’t “fit” and you want to change it?

We all have to be rigorous about our choice of a name. It has to pass so many tests and go through multiple filters. Some of which include:

• Is it “Playground Proof”: how can other kids twist/warp the name to be embarrassing? Does it rhyme with ANY words that have negative connotations?
• Does it fail the “So Cute It Makes Me Sick” test?
• How many other kids are rocking the same name?
• Will you wince every time you say it?
• Will the child resent you for the choice in the future? (If you name him “Todd” he will)
• Did someone have that name in your past that you didn’t like? (I’m looking at you Charlie Cronin)
• Does it have over five alternate spellings? (My wife thought it was “Kateland”…but that’s a country, isn’t it?)
• and so on…

With all that pain and anguish, it’s difficult to understand why most people insist on coming up with a middle name as well. It’s pretty clear that most middle names are the ones that won the Silver Medal in the Naming Olympics.

How’d you go about it? Did you finally land on the name when the baby came or weeks after? Did you opt in or out of a middle name? Did you have to succomb to family pressure regarding the name?

Or did you just chuck it all and go with “Carl”?