As a high school student, my daughter talked some big talk about getting out of this small town and moving to New York City. With nothing stopping her now, my wife and I are surprised that she’s still living at home, commuting to college in Brooklyn two days a week and treading water the other five. Bigger than her bravado, it seems, is the sum of her fear and laziness.
I’m glad she is the kid who errs on the side of caution. Her teenage years could have been much harder on me! Unlike my dad, I never had to deal with her puking vodka out her bedroom window, sneaking home at 4am, or calling me from the local police station. But she is definitely erring at this point: it’s time to walk the talk.
Kicking your kid out of the house is a recipe for sixty years of dysfunctional relationships, but how do you avoid the increasingly popular “parasite single” phenomenon? In our case, there is hope. She knows what’s expected of her (a job, a relocation plan) and she pays lip service to cooperation, but there’s little follow-through. Inertia trumps ambition.
I never expected to quote Ann Landers, but she sums it up well, “It is not what you do for your children but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings.” So, my wife and I are pushing her out on that tightrope of adult responsibility. We are providing coaching and a net, and we expect her to fall a few times, but she needs to log hours walking that high wire in order to develop courage and learn to balance. Find a job, track your spending, recruit some roommates, find an apartment. It doesn’t get any easier; you just get better at it.
What are some of the tough lessons you’ve had to teach your kids?
What’s Band of Fathers for if not for pointing out horrible parenting thus making ourselves feel better?
In this week’s episode, a zany parent from Poland uses their car’s steering wheel as a child’s seat.
At first, it seems innocent enough. But as the video goes on, a more disturbing feeling settles in. You start wondering whether this is some sort of horrible video where a child is hurt. Luckily, it doesn’t end in disaster, but when they take a full left turn, things get really stupid.
Gift Giving — tbeeby on December 9, 2010 @ 1:18 pm
by regular contributor Rob Curtis, our gear expert
When it comes time for the holidays, I think of that unsung hero: Dad. The guy who assembles complicated toys late into the night (totally avoiding the directions). The guy who makes last minute runs to the store (for batteries that he thought were included). The guys whose only sustenance is some stale cookies left for Santa.
So I wanted to present our readers with some great, relatively easy gift ideas. Send a subtle “hint” to your partner (in the form of a link and an “ahem”). Or maybe there are some gals who’ve wondered onto the site looking for hints. This list is designed to give you a few gift ideas that blend urban style, mountain cool, and gadget geek.
The Spot – A satellite GPS text messaging device: for the adventure that tends to roam where the wireless network does not.
Starbucks VIA- best trail coffee there is as your only instruction is to add hot water. A perfect addition to the stocking.
iPod Classic- sure, the Nano is super small and has an FM tuner, but the storage capability of the 160GB iPod Classic is irresistible for those with large digital music collections.
Ibex Shak Hoodie- a close cousin to the full zip Shak with an amazing temperature range amongst all many of the benefits of merino wool.
Icebreaker Mayfair Jacket- For nights out when the storm shell doesn’t quite fit over that sport coat. This well-tailored jacket is perfect for the guy who wears a trench when it rains (and it’s made of New Zealand wool).
Gorilla Pod- great stocking stuffer that can be used as a personal headlamp or to light up a room. It has the gorilla pod legs that tuck up on the inside and can be pulled out as needed to hang and point wherever.
Motorola Bluetooth Headset- SAVINGS ALERT $30 from $99 for this pair of bluetooth stereo headphones. I don’t ski all that much with music but might if it weren’t for the wires and uncomfortable ear buds. For those sick of wires and earbuds and wanting to listen to music and send/receive calls. If you have to go with a bluetooth set at all, this is the way.
Cheers and happy hinting.
Any bad-ass gifts that you’ve gotten you want to recommend?
My son is in seventh grade, about to turn thirteen. He held the package from eBay in both hands and declared, “Yes! Now I have everything I need: An ipod, a cell phone, and a facebook account.”
I almost fell over, confronted by what a technical world he lives in. When I was his age, some kids had a cassette walkman, or call-waiting on the family phone, and the lucky ones played space invaders on their Atari, but these were luxuries, not necessities.
I’m tempted to fight the tide, to hold the conservative line – “You don’t need those gadgets! Go play ball!” – but I know how futile it would be. The best thing I can do is teach him how to navigate the world he’s inherited. My brother says that “the internet is as dangerous as your stupidity allows, just like the streets of Manhattan.” In the 21st century, street smarts apply equally to both environments, real and virtual.
The social network, mobile communication, and personal soundtrack are all resources that he should understand and use with discretion. We limit his “screen time” to an hour a day, and he pays for the iPod, iTunes, and cell phone bill ($10/month, data blocked). Because he needs to selectively allocate his limited resources, he learns to exercise his judgment and restraint. He’s learning to be responsible for his time, money, and stuff, which are the three things he really needs.
In education, there are three levels. If you know how to add, solving addition problems means operating at your comfort level. Your instructional level involves learning multiplication, which expands on your understanding of addition. If your teacher tries to jump straight to exponents, that’s the frustration level. It’s just too much of a stretch.
My teenage daughter commutes to college in New York City and dreams of living there, during and after college. That’s quite a step from living at home, raiding the fridge, and avoiding housework. At nineteen, she’s responsible for funding her car, cell phone, and digital media habit. That’s her comfort level. She’s taken on student loans and learned how to read an amortization chart, at the instructional level. But there are a lot more intermediate steps to true independence. We’re walking her through cash flow tracking, budgeting, and strategic planning for stuff like food and shelter.
For my part, I rode the parental gravy train straight to college graduation, and then got a job and an apartment that amounted to a monthly net zero. I might have taken college more seriously, if I had understood the relationship between study and salary and lifestyle. Too late, I learned those lessons from Professor Visa and Colonel Mastercard, who were happy to conduct classes at the frustration level. Hopefully, my daughter will avoid those pitfalls by accepting some guidance and responsibility along that steep staircase to adulthood.
As parents, we’re supposed to “provide” for our children, but does that necessarily always mean monetary support? Some lessons can only be learned with less cash-flow. What lessons are your kids learning about money?
He held the package from eBay in both hands and declared, “Yes! Now I have everything I need: An ipod, a cell phone, and a facebook account.”
