As an adult, I’ve long since been robbed of my innocence. So I’m really not one who should be listening too closely to the children’s music we play for our kid. Last weekend, I was clearly not in the mood to accept the kind of fantasies the musicians offered up to my son’s pristine ears. Because kids, despite what people tell you, not everything in your imagination is possible. Nor should it be.

Case in point, Laura Doherty’s Wiggleworm tune:”If All of the Raindrops.” Ready? Let’s play:

If all of the raindrops were lemondrops and gumdrops

Oh what a rain that would be.

I’d stand outside with my mouth open wide,

singing ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah (etc.)

If rain were replaced by lemondrops and gumdrops and our children opened their mouths to catch all that corn syrupy sweetness, they’d be more obese than we already are. Not to mention a sweeping epidemic of sewer rat obesity. After all, where do you think that sweet rain goes after it falls to the ground? Sewers, that’s where. And if water was replaced with candy, just imagine trying to flush a toilet filled with gumdrops.

In the second verse, the song gets even more treacly, if that was even possible:

If all of the snowflakes were chocolate bars and milkshakes

Oh what a snow that would be.

I’d stand outside with my mouth open wide,

singing ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah (etc.)

Not only would chocolate bars and milkshakes make piss-poor substitutes for snow, they would be damn near impossible to ski on. So long winter sports! Sorry future winter Olympians, your dreams of sporting glory have been dashed by Ms. Doherty’s imagination. Not only that, but can you imagine what the spring run-off would look like? Streams and rivers made of dirty chocolate and spoiled milkshakes. Disgusting.

If all of the sunbeams were lemonade and ice cream

Oh what a sun that would be.

Because I’d stand outside with my mouth open wide,

singing ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah (etc.)

If sunbeams were lemonade and ice cream, every bit of plant life would cease to exist. Try photosynthesis with a scoop of Chunky Monkey. Not going to work. So nice job, Ms. Doherty: now that you’re done with your song, our entire world is dead. And obese.

I ranted all of the above Dennis Miller-style to my 11 month old. Good thing he didn’t understand any of it.

What children’s song lyrics drive you around the bend?