by regular contributor Brian Hoover

Newborns come with “stuff,” you’ve no doubt realized. Boppys and Bumbos and Soothies and Pack ’n Plays; blankets and onesies and bottles and books. Don’t even get me started on breast pumps and everything those entail.

When we brought our daughter home, my wife and I found ourselves thrust into an all-fronts war with “stuff” that we’d never anticipated, even as the spoils from the baby shower accumulated alongside the gifts that other gracious folks had sent. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful; quite to the contrary, we were blessed by this extraordinary show of generosity from family, friends, and colleagues. It’s just that we had, until then, lived a relatively simple, mostly clutter-free existence. Now we had more stuff than we could manage with our combined four hands.

Which got us thinking.

We were often asked by friends who were expecting what we thought was essential: Do we need the video monitor, or will a regular monitor do? Do we need a monitor at all? During one such conversation with a friend, my wife was asked what product, if she could choose just one, she felt would be the most helpful thing for a new parent to own.

Without missing a beat, she replied, “Robotic third arm.”

This had been a matter of regular conversation in our house since very nearly the beginning of our tenure as parents. What could be more useful than a third arm? Consider:

You have a wailing, hungry baby on your shoulder who will only cry harder if you put him down. Preparing a bottle is a two-handed task and your partner is not home—Help!

Robotic Third Arm™ is ready to assist.

At the changing table, your kid’s diaper is filled with “banana soup,” and you realize you forgot to refill the wipes after the last change. The refills are across the room, and but you can’t leave the baby unattended, even for two seconds. What to do?

Try Robotic Third Arm with Extension Fingers™.

You’re holding a sleeping baby in one arm, rubbing her forehead in that way that for whatever reason is the only thing that keeps her asleep—Man, she’s beautiful and all, but how are you supposed to read a magazine?

Robotic Third Arm with LED Book Light™ (two AA batteries not included).

Twins?

You get the picture.

In order to operate at peak function, I imagine that Robotic Third Arm™ would need to somehow be wired into the user’s brain, but also easily removable for those times when your regular complement of arms is sufficient. In terms of motion and texture, it should be as natural as possible. And, most importantly, prospective manufacturers should always strive to keep the consumer in mind, especially in these uncertain economic times: we’d like to keep the price tag at or under $400,000 per unit. We put families first.

And so petitioning all inventors: We claim the intellectual property rights, but we just don’t have the technological savvy to pull it off alone. Interested parties should kindly leave their information in the comments section beneath this post, and I’ll be happy to be in touch regarding formal proposals. On behalf of parents everywhere, I thank you.

And, parents everywhere—You’re welcome.

Ahh, the Zaky. Hand-like pillows that imitate for the wee one the sensation of being held by his parents.

The makers of the Zaky recommend warming them up first to make for a more “lifelike feel.” It’s easy, just put them in the dryer and wrap them around your child. Viola! Your child will think you’re loving him.

Beyond looking generally creepy, how can a product like this succeed? It couldn’t possibly replace the touch of the parent. I appreciate wanting to have a few minutes away from the child to get some things done (or simply take a break), but there are other, less ridiculous, “pillow systems” for that.

I think this one-star review provided on the website sums it up best:

What do you say guys? You going to run right out and get a “The Zaky”

from our very close friends at Gawker and Dvice.

There’s a new Little Tykes “toy” that’s getting a lot of attention recently: the Young ExplorerTM. I’m not sure how recreating a workplace cubicle will make your child an “explorer” in any sense other than the Microsoft browser. Most of us would imagine an “Explorer” playset to be something a bit grander: perhaps a sailing ship bound for undiscovered continents. Instead, Little Tykes has taken a harder tack towards reality. Foolish parents can purchase this tech-heavy playset for the low price of $2600 to prepare the child for their inevitable future: a series of cubicle-based jobs.

Mom and dad can also role-play to further simulate the workplace experience for baby. Dad can be the sycophant who kisses up to Mom, the “pushy” boss. Both will heap paperwork, unrealistic expectations, and vitriol upon the child as they learn to succeed in this unrewarding environment. At the right, you can already see dad playing “clueless coworker trying to be helpful,” pretending to understand something he doesn’t.

Maybe spending a minimum of 8 hours a day at this playset will help the baby empathize with what his parents are going through to support him. And just imagine the enriching conversations you’ll share about the joy of switching from Vista to Windows 7!

‘First Crushing Job Playset’ Features include (I’ve added some in bold):

• Features:
  • Flat desk area
  • Crushing sense of futility
  • Left and Right built-in mouse pads
  • Bench seat that fits two children and offers storage inside for supplies
  • Frustrated co-workers
  • Malfunctioning Printer/Copier
    
  • Computer wiring stores safely inside ventilated cabinet.
  • Locking castors keep unit from rolling during use.
• Computer equipment features:
  • Competent, Non U.S.-Based Tech Support
  • Think Centre PC
  • Internal DVD-ROM
  • 160GB Hard Drive
  • 10/100 Ethernet
  • Microsoft® Windows (this is especially cruel)
  • Sound Card and 2 External Speakers
  • 19″ Widescreen Flat Panel LCD Monitor
• Computer Warranty: 1-year parts and labor.
• Pre-loaded educational software:
  • Millie’s Math House®
  • Sammy’s Science House®
  • Bailey’s Book House®
  • Mikey’s “Office Space” Interactive Movie DVD
  • Haley’s “How to Blow 8 Consecutive Hours and Leave Mommy Alone” Town
    
  • Sarah’s “Understanding Sexual Harassment” Place
  • Jack’s “Be the Boss: Aggressive Management Styles” DVD
  • Billy’s “Microsoft Office featuring Excel Spreadsheets” Funland

from our friends at Boing Boing

We have to admit this is pretty cute. A tech dad introduces his daughter to the iPad and lets her play to prove the point that Apple has the best User Interface around. We admit that while at some points in the video we wanted to grab it out of her hands and show her how to use it correctly, she got the hang of it quickly. The guy just better make sure she doesn’t see that “special folder of pictures that are for daddy only.”

And we’ll say this for the iPad design: there are no slots big enough to accept grilled cheese sandwiches.

What tech do you like sharing with your kids and what tech won’t you let them touch?

Walking down the avenue the other day, my wife and I literally almost stumbled upon this rather cumbersome tranportation device.

As we were in a kid-heavy part of town, the stores tend to cater to parents who have copious disposable income for anything related to their offspring. To that end, the bikeshop was proudly offering the Zigo Leader. Apparently, this bike’s reason-for-being is the ability to detach the front portion and use it as a stand-alone runner/stroller. You can even take one of the wheels and use it on the bike to make it a “regular looking” two wheeler.

Should you be so inclined, this thing can be purchased for $1400 through the Zigo website.

There’s no question that this is a clever bike/stroller design. But was the engineering/time/energy to jam all this stuff together well-spent? Why not have a bike and a stroller, then get rid of the stroller when your kid’s old enough–instead of having an interdependent system? (And please don’t say it’s for “space reasons.” If you can have this in your home, you most likely have a garage, so space isn’t an issue)

What it all boils down to is this: do you really want to be the dude on the tricycle?

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll love riding a trike around the retirement community when I’m 80, but until then I’ll be rocking the typical child’s seat mounted on a regular bike.

Readers weigh in: would you really use something like this?

And now for something completely unnecessary: introducing the Löopa Bowl!

In the same vein as “childproofing everything in your house,” some folks have brought us a new and improved bowl that’s “easy to carry” for kids, and keeps the contents from spilling. For some reason, we doubt it could even be close to 100% efficacious.

Since it uses the same physics as the gimbal, shouldn’t they have called it the “Gimbowl”? Or is that too science-nerdy?

Questions:

A) If you have one, does it work?

B) Should this product even exist?

This baby bottle from Mimijumi is getting rave reviews.

It’s called the “Very Hungry” and was designed with the help of lactation experts, docs and moms.

The nipple for the bottle was, “…designed to mimic mother’s breast.” Uh, yeah, we think that’s been achieved.

On Mimijumi’s website are some testimonials. One gal from Louisiana was simply loving it:

“Gibson usually doesn’t like bottles, she prefers breastfeeding (and she does not take bottles from me at all) but latched on great to your bottle. It was unbelievable! I am just happy that she takes your bottle from me. It is a relief that I don’t have to keep whipping out the boob in public!”

Gibson can be a handful, I’m sure. And “whipping out the boob” is never fun.

Here’s where to buy the bottle that won a Spark design award. What they didn’t win any awards for is racial sensitivity: a friend pointed out that it “mimics the breast,” but only that of a caucasian’s. What about other moms?

A question for experienced dads: if you had a baby that wasn’t taking to the bottle, wouldn’t it be worth $18 for one that worked?