I just read a CNN blog post by Jeff Pearlman encouraging dads to “wake the hell up.” Surprisingly, I agree with every point he makes. Especially the one about dads golfing for five hours on weekends after being gone all week for work. That may be an unpopular opinion among dads, but shit, we have to pull our weight. Turns out many of us dads aren’t doing our fair share and thus probably don’t deserve that gift mug this father’s day.
Really, wake the hell up. Now. I understand that most of you have 9-to-5 jobs, that you leave tired and come home tired and just wanna chill in front of SportsCenter with a bowl of chips. But, seriously, you have no remote idea: Being a stay-at-home parent is exhausting. At the office, you can hide. You can take lunch. You can pretend you’re working while scrolling the Internet for Yankees-Blue Jays and, ahem, Lindsay Lohan news. You have genuine social interactions with folks over the age of, oh, 12. People ask questions about your day — and listen to the answers.I
Don’t get me wrong, I’m no “perfect dad” and I would never claim or try to be. However, I do my damnedest to make sure that many of the child-rearing responsibilities are shared. Yeah, it’s hard as hell. And do I always want to be doing these things (changing diapers, going to the park, etc.), no, I don’t. But when we as fathers admit that there’s more we could do, that’s a start. I, for one, will try to get up with my child in the morning on more days so my wife can get some extra Zs. Guess I’m taking this whole “wake the hell up” thing literally.
As an adult, I’ve long since been robbed of my innocence. So I’m really not one who should be listening too closely to the children’s music we play for our kid. Last weekend, I was clearly not in the mood to accept the kind of fantasies the musicians offered up to my son’s pristine ears. Because kids, despite what people tell you, not everything in your imagination is possible. Nor should it be.
Case in point, Laura Doherty’s Wiggleworm tune:”If All of the Raindrops.” Ready? Let’s play:
If all of the raindrops were lemondrops and gumdrops
Oh what a rain that would be.
I’d stand outside with my mouth open wide,
singing ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah (etc.)
If rain were replaced by lemondrops and gumdrops and our children opened their mouths to catch all that corn syrupy sweetness, they’d be more obese than we already are. Not to mention a sweeping epidemic of sewer rat obesity. After all, where do you think that sweet rain goes after it falls to the ground? Sewers, that’s where. And if water was replaced with candy, just imagine trying to flush a toilet filled with gumdrops.
In the second verse, the song gets even more treacly, if that was even possible:
If all of the snowflakes were chocolate bars and milkshakes
Oh what a snow that would be.
I’d stand outside with my mouth open wide,
singing ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah (etc.)
Not only would chocolate bars and milkshakes make piss-poor substitutes for snow, they would be damn near impossible to ski on. So long winter sports! Sorry future winter Olympians, your dreams of sporting glory have been dashed by Ms. Doherty’s imagination. Not only that, but can you imagine what the spring run-off would look like? Streams and rivers made of dirty chocolate and spoiled milkshakes. Disgusting.
If all of the sunbeams were lemonade and ice cream
Oh what a sun that would be.
Because I’d stand outside with my mouth open wide,
singing ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah (etc.)
If sunbeams were lemonade and ice cream, every bit of plant life would cease to exist. Try photosynthesis with a scoop of Chunky Monkey. Not going to work. So nice job, Ms. Doherty: now that you’re done with your song, our entire world is dead. And obese.
I ranted all of the above Dennis Miller-style to my 11 month old. Good thing he didn’t understand any of it.
What children’s song lyrics drive you around the bend?
We’ve all seen those kids who are 7 or 8 and still riding in a stroller. I’m sure sometimes they’re for the little siblings and are co-opted by a tired older brother or sister–it happens. But then I wonder, are some of these strollers actually for them?
Ever tried to argue your wife/significant other out of sending birth announcements? It’s impossible.
Why are birth announcements so ridiculous and passé, especially in this day and age?
They clutter everyone’s ‘fridge for far too long
It’s like saying, “If you haven’t sent us a baby gift yet, get on it”
The cost of postage alone is staggering, much less the printing (yes, I’m cheap)
Sending a cute picture of the little one through traditional mail is far less efficient than facebook
They’re for the older generation
Who doesn’t know that your baby was born?
Related: If you’re baby is 3+ months old, sending out an announcement is old news (especially because your baby is way bigger than 14″ and 8lb 4oz). Will people think he’s regressing?
A few weeks ago, I thought I had my wife convinced to not send out birth announcements. I stated my case clearly and reasonably with the above reasons and more. And to the horror of debate coaches everywhere, she replied, “But you bought an expensive fan” (the dyson “air multiplier”). I replied, “Yes, but you use that fan every day to move air around–a birth announcement can’t do anything.”
There’s no winning against the tyranny of birth announcement. I can only hope that by the time my son has children that this kind of tradition has become extinct.
Oh yes, it’s real. But if only they’d followed the lead set by Gawker.com and gone with a new expression of “hipster”, like “miniDoucheoisie.com” or “miniTrendSluts.” Part of me dislikes the child in the pic below, but I know that’s not rational.
I don’t know what school y’all attended, but none of them, I’m sure, started in July.
If you’re like my wife and love having the weekend paper delivered, you’ve seen how advertisers are already hyping Back To School to get parents freaked out and into the buying mode.
And no, they’re not talking about Summer School. This early-to-holiday advertising trend started with retailers looking to increase Christmas sales earlier in the season to show more black in their balance sheets. Which is how yuletide advertising shows up in October now (yes, even before Halloween). I remember a simpler time when Christmas advertising hit us the day after Thanksgiving, when it should.
I mean, consider the children (the ones who can read anyway) who see the words “back to school” in the paper: they think that the new school year is just around the corner…at the beginning of July? A full two months before they will actually see a teacher’s dirty looks?
Which leads to what I want to say to advertisers: give our holidays and summer vacations some room to breathe before you turn them into a marketing opportunity.
Judging by the little amount of advertising aimed at dads by package goods companies, they must think we don’t do shinola. Yet companies like Pampers have commissioned research indicating that nearly 70% of fathers change as many diapers as moms (when both are present).
According to this NYT piece, companies are just now (warily) starting to market to us and recognize our contributions in the household. For crying out loud, I was asking strangers where the “nipple cream” was the other day at Whole Foods and Babies R Us. I thought for sure people would think I’m the “creepy guy” asking them this, but they smiled, knowing I was on a mission of mercy. And that kind of positive reinforcement goes a long way.
Seriously, in this day and age, what kind of a-hole dad/partner doesn’t go out and buy diapers (or at least go to diapers.com)? It’s not as though we’re living in the Magnum P.I. ages where men were mustachioed and didn’t even think about doing such menial chores. For the sake of argument, say you were a 20% effort dad: you’d at least be buying diapers and not necessarily changing them. Which would mean we’d be advertised to. Apparently not.
I’m writing this post at 4am, in part because I’m supporting my wife who’s just starting to get the hang of breast feeding. She says it’s a massive help that I’m just awake with her. To give her moral support. To time how long the kid has fed on each breast. To mark it down in the log. And that kind of appreciation is great to hear—especially since I can’t actually bear any of the burden of feeding this child.
So it’s pretty obvious an article like that one would get my ire up. Especially with all the stuff we do to help out around the modern house. But the question remains: why on earth would I want advertisers to target me with endless, crummy ads? Good question. Maybe, just maybe, I want the recognition.
My child isn’t even born yet (due date was yesterday), and we don’t even know the gender. But that still doesn’t stop me from worrying about what to do when the inevitable occurs: my daughter wanting to go out in public wearing these horrifying sweatpants.
There is something so wrong, so porno about this product that I can’t imagine anyone being so deplorable as to take a profit from their sales.
Should my daughter ever want to wear these out of the house (at any age), I’m going to have to resort to the “sheer embarrassment” tactic. This is going to sound a little sick, but I’ll say, “Get your juicy butt over here and sit on your dad’s lap. You think that’s creepy? It’s nothing compared to the creepy way guys are gonna give you.”
Or, I’ll pull the “double-embarrassment” trick. By wearing my own pair of pink, juicy sweatpants and dropping my daughter off at her destination in person. That should convince her never to wear them again.
So dads, how do you cope with questionable (i.e., overly juicy) wardrobe choices your daughters make?
Does anyone else find this recent “jeans diaper” ad by Huggies disturbing?
I can’t be the only one who thinks the dude with the balloons is a pederast. Does this ad not ’sexualize’ the toddler, or am I just overreacting?
This is all part of the recent and very alarming trend to make jeans out of everything. Witness the introduction of “Jeggings” (jeans + leggings). Yes, spandex leggings with denim, stitching and “pockets” painted on.
Still, that’s nowhere near as disturbing as this ad. Some people I showed it to found it “cute.” Really? Diapers are rarely exposed for good reason—blowouts in particular. And fashion-wise, feces leaking down one’s leg is so last year.
What do you think of Madison Ave’s latest foray into diaper-tising?
Of our recent purchases, one of the most expensive was a breast pump. The Medela Pump In Style Advanced to be specific.
I think it takes a metric ton of chutzpah to incorporate the words “In Style” into your breast pump name. Who on this green earth thinks there’s anything remotely resembling style involved with breast pumping? It has to be one of the most humbling/embarrassing (albeit very useful) things a woman can do to herself.
Could some women be swayed into thinking that attaching to motor-powered funnel suckers to her breasts could be less humiliating because they’d be doing it “in style”? Maybe for people who work at places like Vogue magazine.
We purchased this one because it was the best rated—because certainly the name doesn’t do it any favors.
Has your wife/partner ever used a breast pump for nipple stimulation in order to prepare for childbirth? Oh yeah, it happens…in style.
breasts could be less humiliating because they’d be doing it “in style”? Maybe for people who work at places like Vogue magazine.
